My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.