My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
You Might Also Like
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.