If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
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Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
S M O L
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
We’ve all been there
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.