The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.