My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
North and South
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Fries, not lies.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Who did it better?
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”