“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
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[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Important reminders
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”