[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Yup!
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
i prefer mine room temperature.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.