*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?