My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.