No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
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Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.