I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
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“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
email: CC
my brain: corn cob