My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
shit just got real
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.