Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I can fix him.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans