O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My dating profile: