If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what