“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
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getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
waiting for halloween be like:
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING