Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
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My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I have a new favorite meme page
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Weirdly Wednesday.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.