People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
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i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
me logging onto twitter
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”