Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
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fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken