[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
#milo
I think this cat is broken
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Boating season is upon us.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.