Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
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“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.