me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?