Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
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Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
me hitting on a model
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid