Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
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looks legit
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Usage Guidelines
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling