“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
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Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Sing it!
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.