My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
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Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Noah
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?