[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
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The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*