My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
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Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*