Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
You Might Also Like
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
This is a whole mood;
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
#Caturday
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.