I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’