Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
#oldknees
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.