Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
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Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
selfie game
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
saw this in a dream
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly