Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
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Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.