Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”