therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
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[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Netflix: We have Less
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Breaking news:
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”