I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison