ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.