why he move like a hotel transylvania character
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weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on