Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
emergency phone
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
So glad we cleared that up
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
A dead goose is called a ghoost
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY