I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha