ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Saturday
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay