Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
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FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Oceanography is all about current events
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now