[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Feels
When you don’t understand how floors work
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*