What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Simple
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”