What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
shit, they caught us—run!!!