After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch