Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
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I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.