*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
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Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
my friends when i can’t do basic math
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Wikigenius
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?