How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
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I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Art by Pastelkatto
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
won’t smith
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea