Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
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I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.